Every day I think about him.
All day, every day.
This has been going on for months. I’m not happy about it. Every day I try to move on, to get over him, to stop my mind and my heart from dwelling on him.
There are so many many reasons why he doesn’t belong in my heart and mind. He is a cheap-ass. Once he said, “Do you think I’m a cheap-ass?” This was at the beginning of our relationship, before I knew him for the cheap-ass that he is. I’d been married to the world’s biggest cheap-ass, so any guy who paid for anything seemed free-spirited and risk-oriented. I said, “no, I don’t think that.” But later, I learned what a royal cheap-ass he is. One of the final times I was with him, he balked at paying a $5 cover charge for a band. I was so ashamed. I wasn’t just ashamed, I was horrified. I felt sick.
He is as insensitive as a rock. In fact, I think a rock is probably more sensitive than he is. Again, countless examples. But the winner-takes-all is the example of his blithe oblivion regarding my feelings upon inviting the Russian girl to come stay with him after I already loved him deeply. Another example is sending me pictures of his trip to Las Vegas which I wasn’t welcome on. He never wanted me as a true part of his life, a companion, a true partner, even a girlfriend for that matter. One of the last times I was with him, 5 years into the relationship he said, ”I don’t know what a girlfriend is.” One of the final times I spoke on the phone with him, I asked him, just randomly, if there was a woman in his town he wanted to spend time with. He promptly answered, “Yes there’s Claudia at my church.” I said, “why do you want to be with Claudia?” He said, “she’s young.”
Ever since I finally realized I had to end this thing forever, I have attempted to figure out what the hell is wrong with him. Recently I found the psychology profile that accurately describes him. This is the histrionic personality disorder. Of course, my side of it isn’t healthy either. I’m a codependent. I’m helplessly attracted to the man who isn’t there. Who can’t be there. Who won’t be there. Who doesn’t even know any differently. Who can’t help himself. Yep. And that’s him. In addition to his tendency to always seek and need the attention of people, to have an intuitive means of forging a connection, to always inflate the actual level of relationship , to be as emotionally shallow as a petri dish, to not retain the details of anything, there’s also the addiction(s). The one I’m aware of is pot. I never knew anyone like this. He’s 57 and he’s always binging on pot. It’s disturbing. Because we were in a long-distance relationship, I wasn’t exposed to the reality. I only knew it by the frequency with which he would completely forget my existence, which occured roughly every other week at least, usually for a period lasting 2-3 days. If you don’t think it’s horrible to love someone who has this addiction, let me set you straight. Run like hell. Get over him. Which is what I’ve been unsuccessfully trying to do.